I've been working as a teacher for almost two months now. I don't like this career. I was once, passionate enough with teaching stuff. I thought I was good enough to change people's perception in education. I was wrong. I could do nothing. I am a follower. I'm not a leader. It's still the same when once,I was the vice secretary and the vice president for a few days before I decided to quit. Why? Because I hate being a leader when I could not make changes. I hate being a leader when I could not stand for my right as a human.
Being a leader is exhausted but being a follower is much more pathetic than I've imagined. How can you live your life when the only thing you could is following the orders that you disagree the most.
Why on earth should I've become a teacher when my job is not focusing on teaching and educating people? Education. Started from home. From the closest people.Our parents, neighbors, childhood friends, teachers, classmate, and school mates.
I know that I will struggle very hard in this career. You are dealing with human being. What do you expect. You, alone dealing with 49 different attitudes, names and everything at the same time. The hardest part in life is when you make mistakes. Of course. You're human beings. You make mistakes. almost all the time. Again and again and again.
Burden with my life as a teacher, I decided to pursue my Master which is still in consideration because I have no saving for my further education. By hook or by crook, I need to live my life. I've made a decision. My target in education field (read as primary school) will last in 10 years more. Then, I'm done.
Parents, I know that most of you handed your responsibilities to us to teach your children. At least teach them how to speak and write in basic languages. Bahasa Malaysia and English language.
Kiddos, teachers, they are not your parents. They have limit in everything. Be nice. Be polite. They will treat you well.
Teachers, I know some of you are keen for changes in education. I wish that I could be sort of leader in this field to help myself and to help all of you but I could not. I'm sorry. I'm still working out how to work happily at school. How to find back my sincerity.
Monday, 11 September 2017
Tuesday, 29 August 2017
Being a Teacher
Life as a teacher should be nice. You are doing well. You are inheriting knowledge to other people. Hoping that it wills develop day by day. However, I am not happy with my life as a teacher. This career is not the only option. I chose to be a teacher. I have imagined myself having a fun teaching and learning session with my pupils. It is not happening the way I have imagined. I am sucks in teaching. I could not control my class. My pupils are so noisy. My voice keep rising up, ensuring that my pupils are in control. Again, I failed.
The truth is that is the only option for me not to use canned. I was afraid that I could not control my anger. I am afraid that they will inform their parents. My classroom management is killing me. Language barrier is murdering me. I keep blaming their parents. How you could not teach your child our national language. How you could let teachers to cover up your mistakes? How you could let us sink in your major responsibilities? I cried every day, mourning my bad situation after every lesson failed.
My workloads are loading well. I was unable to breath. I could not take a break. There were days that I could not even have my lunch. PBS both offline and online, LINUS for five classes a week. Three Arts classes a week. I am dying. Negative aura is vibrating every single day. I am not sure anymore whether I wanted to teach for my entire life. I am not happy with my work. There is no sincerity. I love my kiddos. Kiddos love me. I just hate the system. I hate how it was plan. I have no time to plan the real teaching and learning process except when I was inform that I would be observed.
I rarely laugh for something good. Maybe I would never laugh until I am done with this career.
Saturday, 20 May 2017
So today is my another day as a jobless fresh graduate. I kinda bored and not so comfortable with the title I hold for almost 4 months since I graduated from my college. Everyone needs a job (at least) to feel lively. However, being jobless means you have more time for yourself. More time to think or to do unfinished dream that you hold long ago. My unfinished dream is to watch movies over and over again. Too bad that my hard disk was broken and I'm having problem in wasting my time with the movies LOL!
Talking about dream, my real dream is to have a garden house. Every morning, I'll have a mug of hot coffee or maybe hot chocolate with chocolate chip cookies. It is not so worrying if I don't have a husband because I love living by my own. I have friends. My very best friends know my situation. At noon, I'll have my buttery scrambled eggs and toast breads. At night, I prefer juices. Strawberry or blueberry. I will have lots of books to read. Once I finished, I'll donate them to the library.
We always have that fairy tale story that we hope to change it into reality. Mine? not yet. Will be, one day. A life without sadness. Freedom in happiness. Teaching successfully. Giving new hope to other people. I wish that my life could be happier and livelier. Insha Allah. One day.
A Proud Loner.
Wednesday, 1 February 2017
Story #3 A PROUD LONER
Hi people, I am going to share the story of my blog’s title. It started last year (2016), I always chilling up myself at the coffee house (sounds so hipster) to reflect anything that I have done on that particular day (usually when I feel depressed with the crowds). I went there alone since I really wanted to spend time for myself without any distraction (which means without people that I have known for my entire life).
Once, my friend asked me if I feel sad for those who could not understand my story. For your information, I came from a broken family and when I was in one of the International Colleges, I always depressed and it was the worst depression that I’ve faced in my entire life (seriously, I don’t blame anyone. It was my fault. I could not make myself happy).
Honestly, during my depression time, I never think about what the other people think about me. Since I was in secondary school, I practiced myself not to bother about what anyone else was talking about me unless it hurts me a lot. I am a very direct person. Half of me feel so good being a direct person but the other half think that it was quite annoying because most of the people will misunderstand my action. Since I am a very direct, I tend to show my expression towards people, things, food and what so ever.
I have a very bad habit (actually I think it is good) not to hide anything from anyone. If I hate or feel uncomfortable and stress towards someone, my face will do the talking. Besides my face, my mouth will definitely say it aloud. It is so uneasy for me to keep something that dissatisfied me in my heart (most of you will advise me to be patience). Believe me, I tried (almost all the time) to be polite (if you think that I am not) by saying about my dissatisfaction nicely and gracefully but it did not work at all. When I keep it too long, I feel so stress and tend to show it by making faces. Sometimes, I will purposely talk shortly and harshly, hope that person will realize that I am not comfortable with the situation, attitude, food, services etc.
Sometimes, when I think too much, I tend to make serious facial expression. I did not mean to make you feel uncomfortable but yeah, my fault, I could not stop thinking about that matter until it was done.
It started in 2015 when I had serious problems in my family, health (I was half paralyzed) and study. I was unable to fight for my right when I needed to. I was too weak and that time, I could really know my real friends (those who helped me a lot, I thank you and I will never forget what you have done to make me smile and happy again). I failed one of my assignments and Allah had given me His blessing through my final exam. I passed. After the worst part in my life, I learnt to be independent, not to depend on other people because it is sad when rejected especially by those who I have trusted could repay my kindness by being nice to me. Lesson number one, never hope that people could repay you. Be sincere. Lesson number two; always appreciate people who are very kind to you. Lesson number three, never judge a person through their appearance (this is very important).
After my failure in family (I think it is enough for you to know my status), friendship and relationship, I started to avoid myself from many people. It is not easy for me to give my trust to the other people. Then, I started strolling alone at the shopping mall and always have a cup of coffee in between. Sometimes, I will have a cake/cupcake or a doughnut. If I am very hungry, I will have a Subway (always be my favourite fast food). It becomes a routine for me to do my work, alone at the coffee house. Then, I realized that, happiness is a choice. You are the one who build your happiness in this worldly life. Other people are the tools to make your life become happier. My friends live your life to the fullest and never attached with people, things, places etc. My last advice will be...
Do not be afraid of loneliness.
A Proud Loner.
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
Story #2 LEADER, HOW HARD IT COULD BE?
I remembered once, my sister told me that if she could not be a good leader, she will be a good follower. Now, the perception changed. Our ways of thinking also changed. The integrity, honesty, passion and professionalism of a leader being doubted by us, the one who knows nothing more than following the orders. Malaysians are educate to follow loads of thing (trust me, I am a future teacher) and I am one of them. We are guided to do what we were asked to do. The terms 'Kami Yang Menurut Perintah'- 'We do as ordered' is a familiar phrase for a teacher ( I should stop talking about this now as I was forbidden to cross the limitation as a future Malaysian teacher and please forgive me).
Once, I was a leader. I would not say that I was a good leader because I was not. There were so many things happened and believe me, I suffered a lot during my time as a leader (acted like I was holding the highest position in the world...). I was one of the Student Representative Council members in my Teachers Training Center. My position was as the vice secretary but I acted as I was the Vice President (just joking!). Those who used to be in the organization went through the same painful journey as I did.
At the early stage, we stereotyped first. "OMG!!! I can't work together with them!" "This is so not happening!" "I am better than YOU!". Only then, we will try to adopt and adapt. You see, we often take the first step wrongly. We're judging, stereotyping and other synonyms for this word (find it yourself, please). We, as a human often giving punishment before giving chance and letting other people to prove themselves first. They have no chance or even worst, they feel like they have no chance at all.
Being a leader is hard, being a follower even harder. I do not believe this at first until I faced the situation by myself.
When you have no power, the right for you to speak, split and throw the ideas is no longer yours. Your job is just to follow what you're asked to do. FULL STOP! That's the reality in today's life.
However, there's one thing that affected me for the whole life starting by being a leader. BRAVERY!
I always try my best to relate everything happened positively (because I have no other option...LOL). Without that feeling and action called bravery, I don't think that I could be the new Adila ( positive one, of course!)
For me, to measure the level of my leadership, I should look from the angle of how I lead myself towards the meaningful life. Me, myself as a leader who directed my own journey of life. I may not be the Prime Minister nor The Vice Prime Minister but I am a human who have right to choose my own happiness. To be free from tied up with rules and orders ( that are not applicable in some situations). To be free from thinking about what other people think about me. To be free TO BE ME.
It does not matter if you are a leader or a follower. You are still a leader. A leader for yourself. A leader for your own life.
How hard it could be to be a leader? I would say, it is really hard. We are human. Our life is upside down and it depends on our bravery to make sure our journey did not stop.
Be a good leader!
(I am so sleepy right now)
Tuesday, 11 October 2016
Story #1 SHOES
After so many times creating more than one account for my blog, I decided to start writing (I mean really start writing). So, the topic that I chose to write about for my first entry, entitled SHOES. I had a serious, deep conversation with my friends (tell me when I'm not) about the different ways of life that we chose. Well, different people have different personality. Lesson number 1 that I've learnt from my 23 years of my beautiful and painful life. I do not know why, but people always have a problem in making the discussion become relax and leisure when they started the conversation with me ( trust me, I don't even know why!). I was so impressed with one and only friend who could blend in my conversation ( this is because, there are so many people felt annoyed with me: as mentioned by Hassan Basri). Her name is Safiah. We know each other but we are not that close, at first. She is not in my BFFFFF list (not anymore, Safi!). She started to introduce about the types of personality that a human have in them (Choleric, Melancholy, Phlegmatic and Sanguine).
According to her, I am a Choleric type of person. My trademark is, IT IS EITHER MY WAY OR NO WAY. Well, I could not deny that since it happens almost all the time and I don't blame myself for that. So, Why is it so important for me to tell you about the personality and what's the connection between it and my title for this entry?
Since I've started to learn and almost master in knowing other people's personality through the observation, I could understand them more. It feels like putting myself in their shoes (okay we are getting closer to the title!). Safiah knows me well. I mean she saw me during my worst in the past and the new-born me. I know how it feels like not to be understood by other people. It hurts. However, the wound heals even though it may leaves the scar/s. You would not feel the pain if you could understand the meaning of life. Have you heard this phrase before?: To be understood by other people, you first, must understand the people. Well, you can't expect people to understand you. They are not living in the same life as yours.
Take the shoes as an example. We have different types of shoes that categorized differently. Leather, flat, heels, ballet and etc. We also have different sizes of shoes. Some may be small. Some may be medium or large. We could not fit into the other people's shoes if we have different size than theirs. Even if we have the same size, the feeling, the level of comfortableness will not reach your perception.
As in life. we have different ways of fulfilling our life. Our backgrounds may be differ from the others. Even though we have the same story, the plot will still never be the same. My chapter one of life will never be the same as yours. The script is totally different. Our job is not to change the script. Let it be. We just need to read and understand other people's script so that we would not not make early judgment and give them punishment for our misunderstanding about their life. Try to put yourself in their situation. If you could understand, that would be great! You could help them. If not, keep reading until you understand.
How could you know the ending without knowing how it starts, at first?